Struggling.

My weight has been an issue as long as I can remember.  I’ve talked about it on my blog before. (HERE and then again HERE.)   And then again when I put my scale in the garage for a whole month?    I eat the marshmallows out of my kids cereal and blame it on the beach grocery store, ya’ll.  I realize I have food issues.

My struggle with my weight is something I deal with every minute of every day.  I  know how many calories are in pretty much every food on the planet.  I am a scale whore.   I would love to weigh 150 pounds again.  That is what I weighed many years ago and felt and looked my best.  (Did I really look and feel my best though?  I seem to remember I was chain smoking and drinking beer for dinner.)

I need to lose 15 pounds.  You can do the math and figure out that I just posted my weight on the internet for all 37 of my readers to know.  I am so over it I don’t even care anymore.  This is a struggle that is  real.  So real that I dedicated a whole blog post to foods to not buy if you are a binge eater!

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(Photo Credit:  Wanda Koch)

Things come up and I look forward to them and think…”I’ll be skinny by then.”  Like this workshop I attended this past weekend.  It was amazing and wonderful and I learned so much.  But when it came time to do the acro-yoga part, I was happy to have an excuse to not go. I didn’t want anyone else to have to lift those extra pounds.  I carry them around all day long, and they are heavy as shit and I hate them.  (By the way, it is really hard being in the yoga community when you are even slightly overweight.  Don’t let anyone tell you different. )

I have been losing and gaining the same 8 pounds over and over again.  It is extremely frustrating and I cannot seem to get it together.  I thought I lost those 8 pounds for good and was moving on to bidding farewell to pound number 9, but then my grandfather died.  We traveled to Tennessee and I lost my mojo. When someone dies in the south, no one knows what to do, so they cook and bake a whole bunch of stuff that has potatoes, flour and sugar in it  (sometimes separately, sometimes together.).  I am not kidding– one friend of the family came with 3 different pound cakes.  Three.  (Diane are you reading this?)   Someone else made 2 honeybun cakes.    I licked my finger after I served my son a piece.  It was all over from there.  (Okay.  That is somewhat of a lie.  I knew I wanted to eat a piece of that cake before any of that licking of the finger.  I think I ended up eating 3 more pieces while we were there.  Which was only overnight)

I am hot and cold when it comes to sugar.  I can’t eat a piece of cake and go on about my day.  It will consume me  and make me crazy.  I am an addict.   It takes a good 3 days of not eating any carbs to get back my energy, attitude, and the ability to button my jeans.

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This text.  My husband knows full well about my addiction.  It is seriously worse that when I quit smoking years ago.  He asked later if I was in the garage looking for a screwdriver or something.  Embarrassed, I had to be honest and tell him I was looking for his secret stash.  Being honest and real sucks sometimes.   Normal people don’t understand.  See–normal people can eat 2 Oreos.  Normal people can eat a handful of chips.  I am not normal when it comes to food (and possibly other areas too.) But …especially foods that contain sugar, wheat, or carbohydrates..   If I eat one , I need 18 more.  So, it is best for me to not eat any at all.    Foods like that set me up for a binge.   Binging is such a horrifying, vicious cycle.  It is sneaky and dishonest.  Then  all that shame, blame, disappointment and self-doubt start to kick in.  It is the EXACT SAME cycle as alcohol binging.  (I know.  I have been trapped in that cycle too.)  The problem with food is that you have to eat it to survive.  I don’t have to drink alcohol to live.  (Although, I might have argued that point in my late 20s.)

Food is everywhere, and in our society it is used to celebrate and promote togetherness.   It is also pushed onto people in a way that alcohol would not be pushed on a person who is an alcoholic.  Have you ever refused a piece of pecan pie from an old Southern lady?  YOU CAN’T.

I have been in this cycle of eating clean, then not, eating clean, then not.  I even ate my kids animal crackers and goldfish the other day.  I am super grossed out even thinking about it.  I couldn’t even hold out for something amazing like ice cream or waffle fries.  It is out of control.  And I mean that literally.  OUT OF CONTROL.

I love when Dr. Phil say, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”  I am acknowledging this issue.  I know other people deal with this.  And if you haven’t, I can guarantee someone you love is struggling right now.   You are not alone. That is part of the reason I want to put this out there.  Again,  being real and honest can suck sometimes.  Finding your truth is hard…but liberating.   Hopefully, in  that liberation comes freedom, then some healing takes place.

So that is all.  I am just trying to heal.

So, what now? For right now, I don’t know the why, so  I move on.  I don’t know if I am stuffing some emotion down or if I am trying to numb some pain or what.  I’ll figure that out on my mat.  But in the meantime, I’ll just move on.  Everyday is a new day, and everyday is a chance to make a clean start.

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So, today I made my bullet proof coffee.

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Today, I ate a salad from Panera with chicken and eggs and avocado.  Foods that I know fuel my body and my brain.  Instead of the junk that doesn’t fuel my body .  (You can see that craziness HERE.)

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Today, I drank sparkling water when still water got old.  (plug in for coconut LaCroix. It is amazing!)

Today,  I try not to be so hard on myself.

Today, I forgive myself and start over.

#NeatinNov Update 2

I hope you are enjoying the challenge this month–We are almost halfway through!  I really love getting my whole family involved and how these little steps every day have added up to a cleaner, neater, more organized home!  It is not too late to join in, I promise-I included catch up days!  Check out this post showing how we started out this month.

Here is a look at the past few days around here!

Day 6:  Go through the junk drawer and weed out the junk.  (I am ashamed to admit we have a few junk drawers.)  I just picked one because I am busy and I made this challenge for us busy people.  This is supposed to be helpful, not stress us out!

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This cutie has really loved helping me out with the daily challenges.  Here is my sweet Kadyn unloading our kitchen junk drawer.

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Before and after.  Why oh why did we have diaper rash ointment?  It is perfect for that nasty rash kids get when they are at the beach boogie boarding.  But it doesn’t belong in the junk drawer, but lots of pens, gum, and duct tape go there.

Day 7:  Pour a drink and delete old emails.  I planned to do this in the evening and drink a glass of wine, but I had a giant coffee and did it in the morning instead.

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Day 8:  Rest or catch up day!  I bought this simple bouquet at Harris Teeter…it was on sale for $3.99.  It was actually bigger, so I was able to make another little one and put it in the bathroom.  We have all enjoyed the beauty of fresh flowers all week.

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Day 9  Clean out the air vents and change the filter.  My husband actually took this outside and used the leaf blower to get the dust off.  No, it was not that dusty.  He just wanted to use the blower because that is what guys do and we will never understand.  (He also took that opportunity to clean our room fan with the leaf blower too, so I am not complaining!)  My son is just here to be cute.  He didn’t help.   But he is cute, so who cares?

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Day 10:  Books!  Daniel and Brody went through his books and we were able to donate 2 big bags of books to a family with 2 little boys who will enjoy them!

Day 11:  Call/go online and opt out of junk mail.  I have so much of this daily, and I am pretty good about recycling it right away.  But why even bring it in your house?

Day 12:  Organize under your bathroom sink.  I parted with those little hooded baby towels  finally– considering my children are almost 8 and 11 it was about time.   I also was able to put the diaper rash ointment in the correct spot since on day 6 I just literally threw it under the sink and slammed the door.  Hey–my focus was on the junk drawer that day!

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Day 13:  Clean out your purse.  I also made my kids clean out their backpack.  Well, this kid.  My other kid is no longer allowed to use a backpack because he was taking stuff to school and starting a “prank” club.  (Yes.  I still need all those prayers please.)

Day 14:  Rest day or Catch up day!  I used today to catch up on Grey’s Anatomy.  🙂

Short Ribs

These short ribs are pretty fantastic.  My husband all but re-proposed.  I love him dearly, but  I am not into getting married to him again…been there done that.   I am getting these little boots I have had my eye on instead.

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Here is what you need:  2 pounds of beef short ribs, 1 large onion, 2 carrots (not pictured), 1 turnip, 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon, 2 tablespoons of bacon grease (that is what is in the heart shaped ramekin!), 2 tablespoons of tomato paste, 1 cup of beef broth, 2 cloves of garlic, lots of cranks of pink Himalayan salt, and lots of dashes of pepper.

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Here is what you do:  Sear the ribs all over in the bacon grease.  Smell up the whole house with that bacon grease, then wake up your man and mention those boots.  Lie and say you’ll wear them and nothing else whenever he wants.

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Dice the onion, peel and dice the carrots and turnip and add to the crockpot.

Put the ribs on top  of the veggies.  Remind your man about the whole naked with the boots thing again.

Pour the broth into the skillet and add everything else.  Stir it all around making sure it is all well mixed.  Pour this mixture over the ribs and set the crockpot on low.  Cook for 8 hours.   Mention the boots and naked thing several times throughout the day.

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Yum!  This was the perfect Saturday night meal.  I threw it all together after teaching yoga in the morning, and it cooked while we hit the soccer field, ran errands, and did our Saturday thing.  The meat was crazy tender and fell right off the bone.  We had some canned Italian green beans from picking season last year to go along with it.  I cannot remember the last time I had turnips, but they tasted just like potatoes.  And don’t be put off by the cinnamon…it is wonderful and wintery.   Maybe mention those boots again after his first bite.

These nutrition facts may be a little off…I mean you aren’t eating the fat off the bone, just the meat.  Anyway,  I used myfitnesspal  and got:
Serving Size:  2  ribs and 1/2 cup of veggies
Calories:  490
Fat:  38g  (Even though you don’t eat the fat?)
Protein: 24g
Carbs:  6g
Boots:  1 pair  🙂

 

 

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