Healing and Rebuilding

bandaid heart

Yesterday marked 8 weeks since my dad passed away. These  8 weeks have been filled with heartache, smiles, overwhelming sadness, gratitude, pure joy, anger, and anxiety.  I think this is what they call grief.

Since his death, I have feverishly prayed every night for my dad to come to me in a dream.  He finally did last Saturday and it was wonderful and horrible all at once.  Dreams are weird and scattered, so I will save you the odd details, but basically it went like this:

My son peeked around some curtains and told me Grandpa was here to visit.  He had this crazy smile on his face, and of course I start fussing at him and telling him that is nothing to joke about. When I opened the curtain, my dad was there.  He was sitting in a folding chair, wearing a black motorcycle shirt and jeans.  There was another folding chair next to him, and I slowly went to sit beside him.  In that dream like way, I reached out my hand to touch him, to see if he was real.  He answered my touch and said, “It’s me. It’s real.”  I stared at him with tearing streaming down my face and he said, “Do you know how many times the sun goes around…..”  In the middle of him talking I hugged him really tight and started bawling. 

I woke up.  I ran into the bathroom so I could write everything down because I was so afraid I would forget.  On the way back from the bathroom, I pretty much lost it.  I could barely even make it back to the bed because I was so overcome with emotions. I was wailing.  I wanted him to finish his question.  I wanted to hug him again.  I wanted to go back to the dream.  I want him to be alive again.

This dream shook me up in ways I don’t even understand.  The next morning, I could barely speak.  I told my husband the details of my dream, and told my kids the highlights. (By the way, I am totally owning my emotions in front of my children.  There is no pretending to be anything around here.  I am human and my dad died.  They need to see what this looks/feels like.)  I could not speak without completely hunching over in tears and heartache, so I sent them on to church without me.  I cried, showered, cried, watched a movie, and made more coffee and  scrambled eggs.

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A sweet friend who lost her mom almost a year ago sent me this and  resonate really well with me.  I certainly am not ready to “get over” my grief, although that was a suggestion from an acquaintance.  (obviously she has not experienced grief and was also born without a heart.)

How am I healing and rebuilding myself?

  • I am taking care of myself.
  • I am honest about the way I feel.  I feel my feelings.  If I am sad, I don’t try to not be sad.  I am just sad.
  • I am still going to Carolina Sweat, and I finally made it through my first yoga class this week.  I am eating the way my body works the best.  (no sugar, flour, wheat.
  • I write in my gratitude journal.  I pray.  I reach out to others who have experienced this.  I write Love Letters.
  • I have seen two intuitive workers and had energy work done, and gotten some answers.  This has helped immensely.  I feel peaceful, serene, and filled up.  The rest of my dad’s question?   It’s my face.  Yep.  “Do you know how many times the sun goes around your face?”
  • I buy myself new shoes, dresses, new yoga pants and new elephant earrings. I get manicures and pedicures.   I go out to lunch with friends almost every single day.  When lunch doesn’t work we do wine, sushi, and discussions at The Bag Lady.
  • I teach people how to get upside down in their yoga practice. I just  signed up for another workshop in March so I can learn more about inversions.  I am learning Reiki and energy healing.  I  am co-hosting SIX retreats in  2015.  (details next post, I promise!)
  • I am surrounding myself with people who know what this is like.  I actually like to talk about it.  It is interesting the people who become your friend in a time of grief.   And then there are others who just don’t get it.   I can’t help but feel miffed when one person who I thought was a dear friend hasn’t said one word.  Nothing.  When strangers are hugging me.  Or the ones that have just moved on and forgotten that I am still so heartbroken.  I don’t blame them.  They don’t get it….I didn’t get it.   Until you take a ride on this roller coaster, you are just waiting in line, unaware of the how tight the harness is on your chest.  (Here is a clue…that harness is so tight and  heavy as shit.)   You CANNOT lift it.  It is literally hard to breathe.

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New pants/new shoes

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Elephant earrings.  Sitting on my Desire Map Planner.

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A job I love.  Second Inversion Workshop at The Cornwell Center.  Don’t worry…there will be a third one in May!

 

dreams

 

 

 

 

February Project 12 Update

I am still writing a letter a day.  Sometimes two.   These are letters of thanks, a quick note to say hello, or just to let my friends/family know how much they are loved.   It takes all of 5 minutes.   I love how many of you have felt inspired to write your own letters.  Keep it up!  If you haven’t written someone a letter yet, do it today!

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My kids were inspired when we had the snow/ice days this week to spread the love.  They even said…”Think how happy _________ will be to get this letter in the mail.”  (Exactly.)

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This guy even sat down and wrote a letter to his aunt who lives in Virginia.  (LOVE HIM.)

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I actually received a letter in the mail this month too!

Reed Sandridge, who is doing something very similar with his blog, YearofLetters,  found my site through a mutual friend.  Reed and I have never met, but I felt really special to be included in his 365 letter writing campaign.  Giving and grief can connect people in unspeakable ways. You should check out his blog….I really enjoyed  reading through it.  (You can read my letter HERE.  )

Over halfway through the month, and I am on love letter 25!  There are days where I am compelled to write 2.  You can do this!

I am also begging my family to eat dinner out constantly until March Project 12 comes….we aren’t eating out the ENTIRE month.  I seriously have a lunch date scheduled pretty much everyday for the rest of February.  I am secretly hoping one of you guys takes me out next month, without using scandalous ways like last year.

 

Low Carb Roll

I mentioned this little masterpiece in that blog post where I  published the exchange of texts between my husband and I.  Besides suggesting marriage counseling, most readers only cared about the recipe for the low carb muffin.

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YUMMMMM!  I wish I could take credit for this recipe, but I can’t.  I totally swiped it from Alison over at Keto Incognito. 

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Here is what you need:

  • 1 egg
  • 2 T of coconut flour
  • 1/4 tsp of baking soda
  • 1/4 tsp of cream of tarter
  • 1 T of heavy cream (or water)
  • 1 T of melted butter

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Mix the wet ingredients, and mix the dry ingredients.  Then mix the wet and dry.

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Grease a ramekin and smoosh the dough  in.  Microwave for 60-90 seconds.

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My husband also flows with the low carb life, so we loved having this little muffin with dinner.  This is breakfast for dinner which we have pretty much on a weekly basis.  My chickens are laying eggs again, so fresh eggs always win.

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Have you ever seen a happier man?

 

 

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