Lazy 5 Ranch

We all know I’ve had some hairy issues with the Lazy 5 Ranch.   The place is absolutely nuts, but you have to go at least once.  Call ahead if you want to ride on the wagon, and they only accept cash.  There are so many animals at Lazy 5: all different types of cattle, horses, zebras, sheep, goats, deer, giraffes, a rhino, pigs, camels, llamas, kangaroos, birds, ducks, porcupines, and tortoises.  This place is seriously insane.

We were going to do the wagon ride, but we didn’t call ahead like you are supposed to.  So we drove through…in my friend Tabor’s pretty new minivan.  (She caved and went to the dark side with that purchase.)  I bought a bucket of food  and fed the first animal we came to.  We were barely through the gates.  He took the bucket out of my death grip,  tipped it back eating most of the contents, while the rest scattered all over his face.  I screamed,  Brody laughed, Tabor almost ran him over, Harrison is crying in the backseat, and Kadyn is trying to calm him down.  This is not even a minute into our trip.  We should have reversed out of there and straight  to the nearest Starbucks, wine bar, and/or nail salon.


Her son who is only 29 months old.  (I’m sorry moms…I hate when you do that.  He is 2 1/2. Quit saying months.  Tabor doesn’t say this by the way.  I was just ranting.)

Anyway, her son will be forever traumatized.  My kids are already kinda weird, so they loved it.    Do not go to this place if you are subject to anxiety, heart failure, bladder control problems, allergic to places that smell like pee and poop, depression, insomnia,  erectile dysfunction, or mommy-attachment issues.


My camera is not on zoom.  These things get all up close and personal.    I like to think of myself as an animal lover.  But these things were so creepy!


Again.  Not on zoom.


Mama and baby.  This was one of the finer moments.  We actually smiled instead of screaming in terror at the creepy ostriches.


After you drive through, you can park and walk around.  (Bring a change of clothes in case you wet your pants during the drive.)   There is a petting zoo, and really cool boat playground, and picnic tables if you wanted to pack a picnic lunch.


Harrison didn’t want much to do with the animals.  Look at those cute red cheeks!


And this little guy almost “accidentally” got in my purse and came home with us!  He loved Brody nuzzling on his face.

Side Note to the Dads:  We went to Hot Shotz afterwards.  Yes.  With a Z.  My friend and I and our kids.  We got burgers that were amazing and beer that was cold.   If you take the kids to Lazy 5 and let your wife stay home  I give you permission to go here.  (Just be sure to remind your daughter on the way home not to ever wear shorts that short, or let her bra hang out.)

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