Orange is the New Black

Orange I am just coming off binge watching Orange is the New Black.  If you haven’t watched this yet, please start.  (except you Mom) And binge watch it.  It is the only way.  Chew a whole pack of sugar-free gum while you watch it. (binge-watch and binge-chew) Cookies would be awesome too, but I am not eating any carbs.

Whenever I binge watch shows, I tend to become one with the show.  The people become my friends and I dream about them.  When I was pregnant with my son, I binge watched the first 3 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy.  When Denny died,  I was a mess for days.  I would have to pull my car over and bawl my eyes out when the theme song by the Fray came on.   My husband loved it.


Next up:   Weeds.  (Can we all agree that Jenji Kohan is pretty much a genius?)  I became part of the show.  I couldn’t decide who I was and where I fit in, so I contemplated smoking weed again for the first time ever.   I even  considering becoming a marijuana dealer, a terrible mother,  and drinking iced coffee daily.  I couldn’t figure how to slurp and chew on the straw sexily like she did.   (Is sexily even a word?) Eventually, I went back to my old ways.  I drank my coffee hot, not sexily, because I spill it on my sweatshirt EVERY morning.

I moved on to new friends.

My inmate friends.  Alex, Piper, Nickey and Pussay.

I am living the whole OITNB thing.  First of all, I would die up in prison.  I can’t even make it through a Cross-Fit or a FlyBarre class.  Seriously.  I was not made for any of that mess.  I am too high maintence for basically everything.

Me:  “Hey Red, do you have any gluten-free pasta?  I’m hashtag glutenfreeyo!”  Omg.  No.  She would starve me out.  I don’t miss meals.  I don’t miss snacks.  I get really grumpy and cry.  And you can’t let them see you cry.

I saw Taystee at Wal-Mart yesterday.  I’m not kidding.  She tried to put Fruit Loops in my cart.  She laughed and did a dance.  Crazy eyes was my cashier.  (Mom, please don’t watch this show.)


Toby and I went for a walk and I played Childish Gambino’s Sweatpants on repeat for 45 minutes.  It gets me super pumped and focused.   (Don’t drop the soap.  I can’t drop the soap.)  I’m winning.  Paint me as villain.   I have so much fun on my walk because I was out of my cell and I waved my arms around and rapped out loud.  I was pretty much the girl Eminem.  (No one in my family walks with me anymore except Toby.  And he’s on the fence after this one).  This was my mean face- I was ready to take on those crazy meth head Pennsatuckygirls, in case they snuck into my house while we were walking the hood.


I cried when I watched the last episode because I won’t see those people until June 6th.  Yes.  I marked my planner.  Who is coming over for Binge Party number two?  I’ll have quest bars and Malbec.

I met some new friends today.   The cast of Scandal andddddd I gotta go.  Olivia Pope just called and needs me to handle some business.  She is apparently a bad ass and I do whatever she says

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3 thoughts on “Orange is the New Black”

  1. You are awesome!! I binged oitnb with red wine! My husband (in the other room with his sports) could not figure out what all the cray was about! Count me in for June 6th. I’m now binging on scandal with you, red wine still in hand!!!

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