My weight has been an issue as long as I can remember. I’ve talked about it on my blog before. (HERE and then again HERE.) And then again when I put my scale in the garage for a whole month? I eat the marshmallows out of my kids cereal and blame it on the beach grocery store, ya’ll. I realize I have food issues.
My struggle with my weight is something I deal with every minute of every day. I know how many calories are in pretty much every food on the planet. I am a scale whore. I would love to weigh 150 pounds again. That is what I weighed many years ago and felt and looked my best. (Did I really look and feel my best though? I seem to remember I was chain smoking and drinking beer for dinner.)
I need to lose 15 pounds. You can do the math and figure out that I just posted my weight on the internet for all 37 of my readers to know. I am so over it I don’t even care anymore. This is a struggle that is real. So real that I dedicated a whole blog post to foods to not buy if you are a binge eater!
(Photo Credit: Wanda Koch)
Things come up and I look forward to them and think…”I’ll be skinny by then.” Like this workshop I attended this past weekend. It was amazing and wonderful and I learned so much. But when it came time to do the acro-yoga part, I was happy to have an excuse to not go. I didn’t want anyone else to have to lift those extra pounds. I carry them around all day long, and they are heavy as shit and I hate them. (By the way, it is really hard being in the yoga community when you are even slightly overweight. Don’t let anyone tell you different. )
I have been losing and gaining the same 8 pounds over and over again. It is extremely frustrating and I cannot seem to get it together. I thought I lost those 8 pounds for good and was moving on to bidding farewell to pound number 9, but then my grandfather died. We traveled to Tennessee and I lost my mojo. When someone dies in the south, no one knows what to do, so they cook and bake a whole bunch of stuff that has potatoes, flour and sugar in it (sometimes separately, sometimes together.). I am not kidding– one friend of the family came with 3 different pound cakes. Three. (Diane are you reading this?) Someone else made 2 honeybun cakes. I licked my finger after I served my son a piece. It was all over from there. (Okay. That is somewhat of a lie. I knew I wanted to eat a piece of that cake before any of that licking of the finger. I think I ended up eating 3 more pieces while we were there. Which was only overnight)
I am hot and cold when it comes to sugar. I can’t eat a piece of cake and go on about my day. It will consume me and make me crazy. I am an addict. It takes a good 3 days of not eating any carbs to get back my energy, attitude, and the ability to button my jeans.
This text. My husband knows full well about my addiction. It is seriously worse that when I quit smoking years ago. He asked later if I was in the garage looking for a screwdriver or something. Embarrassed, I had to be honest and tell him I was looking for his secret stash. Being honest and real sucks sometimes. Normal people don’t understand. See–normal people can eat 2 Oreos. Normal people can eat a handful of chips. I am not normal when it comes to food (and possibly other areas too.) But …especially foods that contain sugar, wheat, or carbohydrates.. If I eat one , I need 18 more. So, it is best for me to not eat any at all. Foods like that set me up for a binge. Binging is such a horrifying, vicious cycle. It is sneaky and dishonest. Then all that shame, blame, disappointment and self-doubt start to kick in. It is the EXACT SAME cycle as alcohol binging. (I know. I have been trapped in that cycle too.) The problem with food is that you have to eat it to survive. I don’t have to drink alcohol to live. (Although, I might have argued that point in my late 20s.)
Food is everywhere, and in our society it is used to celebrate and promote togetherness. It is also pushed onto people in a way that alcohol would not be pushed on a person who is an alcoholic. Have you ever refused a piece of pecan pie from an old Southern lady? YOU CAN’T.
I have been in this cycle of eating clean, then not, eating clean, then not. I even ate my kids animal crackers and goldfish the other day. I am super grossed out even thinking about it. I couldn’t even hold out for something amazing like ice cream or waffle fries. It is out of control. And I mean that literally. OUT OF CONTROL.
I love when Dr. Phil say, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” I am acknowledging this issue. I know other people deal with this. And if you haven’t, I can guarantee someone you love is struggling right now. You are not alone. That is part of the reason I want to put this out there. Again, being real and honest can suck sometimes. Finding your truth is hard…but liberating. Hopefully, in that liberation comes freedom, then some healing takes place.
So that is all. I am just trying to heal.
So, what now? For right now, I don’t know the why, so I move on. I don’t know if I am stuffing some emotion down or if I am trying to numb some pain or what. I’ll figure that out on my mat. But in the meantime, I’ll just move on. Everyday is a new day, and everyday is a chance to make a clean start.
So, today I made my bullet proof coffee.
Today, I ate a salad from Panera with chicken and eggs and avocado. Foods that I know fuel my body and my brain. Instead of the junk that doesn’t fuel my body . (You can see that craziness HERE.)
Today, I drank sparkling water when still water got old. (plug in for coconut LaCroix. It is amazing!)
Today, I try not to be so hard on myself.
Today, I forgive myself and start over.