Struggling.

My weight has been an issue as long as I can remember.  I’ve talked about it on my blog before. (HERE and then again HERE.)   And then again when I put my scale in the garage for a whole month?    I eat the marshmallows out of my kids cereal and blame it on the beach grocery store, ya’ll.  I realize I have food issues.

My struggle with my weight is something I deal with every minute of every day.  I  know how many calories are in pretty much every food on the planet.  I am a scale whore.   I would love to weigh 150 pounds again.  That is what I weighed many years ago and felt and looked my best.  (Did I really look and feel my best though?  I seem to remember I was chain smoking and drinking beer for dinner.)

I need to lose 15 pounds.  You can do the math and figure out that I just posted my weight on the internet for all 37 of my readers to know.  I am so over it I don’t even care anymore.  This is a struggle that is  real.  So real that I dedicated a whole blog post to foods to not buy if you are a binge eater!

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(Photo Credit:  Wanda Koch)

Things come up and I look forward to them and think…”I’ll be skinny by then.”  Like this workshop I attended this past weekend.  It was amazing and wonderful and I learned so much.  But when it came time to do the acro-yoga part, I was happy to have an excuse to not go. I didn’t want anyone else to have to lift those extra pounds.  I carry them around all day long, and they are heavy as shit and I hate them.  (By the way, it is really hard being in the yoga community when you are even slightly overweight.  Don’t let anyone tell you different. )

I have been losing and gaining the same 8 pounds over and over again.  It is extremely frustrating and I cannot seem to get it together.  I thought I lost those 8 pounds for good and was moving on to bidding farewell to pound number 9, but then my grandfather died.  We traveled to Tennessee and I lost my mojo. When someone dies in the south, no one knows what to do, so they cook and bake a whole bunch of stuff that has potatoes, flour and sugar in it  (sometimes separately, sometimes together.).  I am not kidding– one friend of the family came with 3 different pound cakes.  Three.  (Diane are you reading this?)   Someone else made 2 honeybun cakes.    I licked my finger after I served my son a piece.  It was all over from there.  (Okay.  That is somewhat of a lie.  I knew I wanted to eat a piece of that cake before any of that licking of the finger.  I think I ended up eating 3 more pieces while we were there.  Which was only overnight)

I am hot and cold when it comes to sugar.  I can’t eat a piece of cake and go on about my day.  It will consume me  and make me crazy.  I am an addict.   It takes a good 3 days of not eating any carbs to get back my energy, attitude, and the ability to button my jeans.

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This text.  My husband knows full well about my addiction.  It is seriously worse that when I quit smoking years ago.  He asked later if I was in the garage looking for a screwdriver or something.  Embarrassed, I had to be honest and tell him I was looking for his secret stash.  Being honest and real sucks sometimes.   Normal people don’t understand.  See–normal people can eat 2 Oreos.  Normal people can eat a handful of chips.  I am not normal when it comes to food (and possibly other areas too.) But …especially foods that contain sugar, wheat, or carbohydrates..   If I eat one , I need 18 more.  So, it is best for me to not eat any at all.    Foods like that set me up for a binge.   Binging is such a horrifying, vicious cycle.  It is sneaky and dishonest.  Then  all that shame, blame, disappointment and self-doubt start to kick in.  It is the EXACT SAME cycle as alcohol binging.  (I know.  I have been trapped in that cycle too.)  The problem with food is that you have to eat it to survive.  I don’t have to drink alcohol to live.  (Although, I might have argued that point in my late 20s.)

Food is everywhere, and in our society it is used to celebrate and promote togetherness.   It is also pushed onto people in a way that alcohol would not be pushed on a person who is an alcoholic.  Have you ever refused a piece of pecan pie from an old Southern lady?  YOU CAN’T.

I have been in this cycle of eating clean, then not, eating clean, then not.  I even ate my kids animal crackers and goldfish the other day.  I am super grossed out even thinking about it.  I couldn’t even hold out for something amazing like ice cream or waffle fries.  It is out of control.  And I mean that literally.  OUT OF CONTROL.

I love when Dr. Phil say, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”  I am acknowledging this issue.  I know other people deal with this.  And if you haven’t, I can guarantee someone you love is struggling right now.   You are not alone. That is part of the reason I want to put this out there.  Again,  being real and honest can suck sometimes.  Finding your truth is hard…but liberating.   Hopefully, in  that liberation comes freedom, then some healing takes place.

So that is all.  I am just trying to heal.

So, what now? For right now, I don’t know the why, so  I move on.  I don’t know if I am stuffing some emotion down or if I am trying to numb some pain or what.  I’ll figure that out on my mat.  But in the meantime, I’ll just move on.  Everyday is a new day, and everyday is a chance to make a clean start.

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So, today I made my bullet proof coffee.

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Today, I ate a salad from Panera with chicken and eggs and avocado.  Foods that I know fuel my body and my brain.  Instead of the junk that doesn’t fuel my body .  (You can see that craziness HERE.)

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Today, I drank sparkling water when still water got old.  (plug in for coconut LaCroix. It is amazing!)

Today,  I try not to be so hard on myself.

Today, I forgive myself and start over.

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32 thoughts on “Struggling.”

  1. You are preaching to the choir girl!!! I even eat foods that I’m allergic too sometimes – makes me sick all night but I still do it! Out.of.control it is insane!!! You’re not alone – but I think you look amazing and I wish I could be half the yogi you are!!!

  2. I struggle right there with ya! I love food, we have a whole pan of banana pudding that I can’t stop thinking about! Literally thought about that yummy goodness all damn day! But you’re strong and you look amazing! Do the best ya can and then give yourself a break. You work hard, you play hard! It’s what we all love about you!!

  3. I didn’t think I could possibly like you anymore, Kacy, and yet, after reading this…I do! You are so refreshing and real and PERFECT.

  4. Kacy, thanks for being so honest. We all struggle. I look up to you in so many ways. In my eyes, you are beautiful and perfect inside and out (something I always aspire to be). YOU are the reason I set my alarm for 5 am on Tues/Thurs and beg my hubby to take over my duties! You are beautiful, inspirational and real. So many phenomenal qualities all rolled into one. I feel SO honored to know you and I feel so gracious and blessed to have you as my yoga teacher!! Much love!

    1. Megan! I love seeing you bright and early in the morning too! I know everyone has struggles– it is nice to know we aren’t in this alone. XO

  5. OH my gracious Kacy , I totally am the exact same way. But first I want to say you are awesome and I love everything you stand for. Goodness, kindness, honesty, and strength. I struggle every minute with my sugar addiction. I binge ( at night and secretly) and it makes me physically ill, but I still do it. Medicines I take definitely haven’t been my friend with weight loss either(also the age thing ) I told myself this weekend I wasn’t going to let the sugar and my meds do me in. Thank you for putting this out there.

    1. Susan- I know we have shared our struggles with food addiction and binging. And that shame that goes along with it. I love you and so happy we are friends. XO

  6. I love your honesty!!! I am actually a “skinny girl” now but have struggled with weight through the years. My running keeps my weight in check but I still binge eat. I can’t eat one chip, one piece or cake or one doughnut. I always try to come clean because we are all human and make mistakes. People are sometimes shocked to find out that the same girl that runs 20 miles in a day goes home and takes down a package of Oreos AND a family size bag of chips. We all have our vices and shortcomings. Anyone that pretends that they don’t are not being honest.

  7. I know how you feel!!! I have struggled with my weight since I was a kid, and you’re right, it can feel like your crazy at times when you keep trying to lose the same weight over and over again. I also feel judged as a kids yoga teacher and as an actor for being overweight, but, I know who I am as a person and I know that you are a great, strong woman with a loving heart and a kind spirit. Not to mention you are a kick ass yoga teacher!!!!! Keep going strong lady!

  8. This post made me feel not so alone, and it also motivated me to not make nachos when I get home which I have been dreaming about since the deep stretch class I just took where most of the time I was thinking about hot fat I felt but how badly I want nachos. Like what?

    Anyways. Thanks for sharing and you are NOT alone!!

  9. I am right there with you girl. I struggle too. Daily. This coming from a girl who can come up with a sugary, carb loaded snack when there’s virtually nothing in my pantry! I set weight goals too and they always come and go. It does suck but you’re right, we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. Tomorrow is a new day.
    You are beautiful! Loved seeing you today! Thank you for an amazing class!! ❤️❤️

  10. I love your blog. And your honesty. And I’m totally a binge eater too. And I hate it. I have self control in the morning and that’s it. After lunch? Total gluttony. And sometimes I get pissed at myself and sometimes I don’t even care anymore – just hand me the damn chips and salsa and some elastic pants, please.

    1. Thanks Rachel! I try to start over at the next meal and eat clean. It is easy to just say F-it, but I know I will feel better, sleep better and have a happier day if I make healthy choices.

  11. I love you and that is why I ask you this question. I don’t want an answer. Ask yourself. Your real self. Not the self that is a mix of your environment and society and all the ish that has been told to you and happened to you. I am talking about your real self. Why do you feel you need to lose 8 pounds? Is there a real health reason? Not a health reason that someone told you. I am not talking about the crappy BMI chart which has been proven wrong. I mean like, if you lose 8 pounds, you will no longer need insulin. That is what I am talking about. Or is this weight lose about what society is telling you is beautiful and healthy? If the need to lose weight is coming from a place that is hurt and a place of pain, that is the journey you will have with it.

    I will use myself as an example. Whenever I think of losing weight, I always ask myself,”why?” I feel great. I can do what I want to do with no problem. So why? I tell myself, this body is made for the grave. What is inside is what lives on. Is this body serving me now? If it is, why am I obsessing over something that is going right back to the dirt? It is one thing if the weight lose journey is fun, but if not, “why?” Then I wait for the still voice deep inside to answer.

    1. Thank you so much for this comment…you are my teacher in more ways than just yoga. This body is meant for the grave. Love you!

  12. What you do everyday for me, our kids, your family ,your yogis and many others can hardly be described in words. Your energy and strength and whole hearted love makes me feel like you think I’m the most important person in the world. I love everything about you and wouldn’t change a thing! You are the funniest, strongest, sexiest woman I know.

  13. Wow – I am amazed at how honest this post is. As someone who struggles with the same issue and I am overweight…I appreciate the candor of this post. Sometimes the hardest part of dealing with this struggle is the emotional roller coaster after you give in. Eating the food is easy but dealing with the aftermath is a ‘Struggle’.
    I am happy that we all get a chance to start over and recenter ourselves. In order to truly change we can not beat ourselves up, hide this struggle, or pretend we have a handle on it and give in when it counts most. Like you I have started over again w/o judgement but with a focus to become better in my yoga practice (even thought I am new to the game). I appreciate this post and can not wait to attend another one of your workshops. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Toya-
      Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Yoga has really helped me with the aftermath part of the roller coaster. And writing this post, being honest and vulnerable has brought me a lot of peace. I hope I see you again soon too! Ashley and I are doing more Yin Yang workshops! December 6th from 2-4pm at Y2 Yoga, and January 24th from 4-6pm!

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